T/W: eating disorders.
I wanted this blog to be more fun and informative, but I’m at a not-so-good place at the moment. Pretending to be ok when you aren’t is exhausting, specially since mental illness in itself is already pretty draining.
I don’t want to disappoint or worry anyone, so I just keep going, but I don’t know how much longer I can go. I’ve started having breakdowns like I’ve never experienced before. The other day I was at the gym and I just felt this unstoppable need to cry and disappear. I tried to play it cool but I couldn’t, it was stronger than me. I ran into the washroom and crouched down in the corner. I just wanted to be small. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I ugly cried. It didn’t last very long because I knew sage was worried and waiting for me outside and I didn’t want him to worry. He was incredibly supportive. Writing this brings tears to my eyes. I was able to finish our workout before going home. I’m so incredibly thankful for Sage, I love him so much!
I know part of my being so tired is the facts that I’m not eating enough. I just wanna be thin. I only need to lose a few pounds and I’m probably eating over 800 calories everyday, so I’m not being super unsafe. I make sure to eat a little more on gym days, but it’s really hard not to feel guilty when I eat. I had an apple with some almond butter for breakfast yesterday and I couldn’t stop thinking about how I shouldn’t have eaten it. Rationally I know it’s okay and that I need food to live, but mentally it’s like food is the enemy.
A&W is a fast food chain here in Canada and they introduced the beyond burger to their stores yesterday. I’m excited because that makes vegan food so much more accessible and the beyond burger outsells beef burgers everywhere it’s introduced. It’s pretty awesome. Make sure to order it without mayo or their house sauce to keep it vegan. Anyways, we’re having it for dinner tonight and knowing that all I had for breakfast was chocolate almond milk and now I’m having a bubble tea for lunch. That way I can have the burger with vegan mayo and fries without worrying about calories. But I feel pretty tired and sad right now and I know it’s because my body has no fuel to run on.
Eating disorders make no sense.
It’s truly so annoying. I know I have to eat but I can’t because I’m afraid of gaining weight and having the urge to purge…
I actually just edited a video where I talk about my ED.
Once it’s up I’ll link it here. You can watch it here.
Have you ever struggled with disordered eating? How did you get better? Even if you’re still struggling, feel free to leave a comment and I’ll help as best as I can. Sometimes we just need someone to understand how we feel. I got you.
Thanks for reading and following my journey. I promise I’ll get better.