Fake Happy

T/W: eating disorders.

I wanted this blog to be more fun and informative, but I’m at a not-so-good place at the moment. Pretending to be ok when you aren’t is exhausting, specially since mental illness in itself is already pretty draining.

Image links to sourceI’m so fake happy

I don’t want to disappoint or worry anyone, so I just keep going, but I don’t know how much longer I can go. I’ve started having breakdowns like I’ve never experienced before. The other day I was at the gym and I just felt this unstoppable need to cry and disappear. I tried to play it cool but I couldn’t, it was stronger than me. I ran into the washroom and crouched down in the corner. I just wanted to be small. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I ugly cried. It didn’t last very long because I knew sage was worried and waiting for me outside and I didn’t want him to worry. He was incredibly supportive. Writing this brings tears to my eyes. I was able to finish our workout before going home. I’m so incredibly thankful for Sage, I love him so much!

I know part of my being so tired is the facts that I’m not eating enough. I just wanna be thin. I only need to lose a few pounds and I’m probably eating over 800 calories everyday, so I’m not being super unsafe. I make sure to eat a little more on gym days, but it’s really hard not to feel guilty when I eat. I had an apple with some almond butter for breakfast yesterday and I couldn’t stop thinking about how I shouldn’t have eaten it. Rationally I know it’s okay and that I need food to live, but mentally it’s like food is the enemy.

Image links to sourceThe Beyond Burger at A&W Canada

A&W is a fast food chain here in Canada and they introduced the beyond burger to their stores yesterday. I’m excited because that makes vegan food so much more accessible and the beyond burger outsells beef burgers everywhere it’s introduced. It’s pretty awesome. Make sure to order it without mayo or their house sauce to keep it vegan. Anyways, we’re having it for dinner tonight and knowing that all I had for breakfast was chocolate almond milk and now I’m having a bubble tea for lunch. That way I can have the burger with vegan mayo and fries without worrying about calories. But I feel pretty tired and sad right now and I know it’s because my body has no fuel to run on.

Eating disorders make no sense.

It’s truly so annoying. I know I have to eat but I can’t because I’m afraid of gaining weight and having the urge to purge…

I actually just edited a video where I talk about my ED. Once it’s up I’ll link it here. You can watch it here.

Have you ever struggled with disordered eating? How did you get better? Even if you’re still struggling, feel free to leave a comment and I’ll help as best as I can. Sometimes we just need someone to understand how we feel. I got you.

Thanks for reading and following my journey. I promise I’ll get better.


Our first anniversary and vegan crepes!

Sage and I went on our first date the day after Canada Day 2017. I remember being so nervous and giggling all the way from the bus stop down to the restaurant where we decided to meet. I had no idea what to expect and quite frankly I was just hoping not to be disappointed.

On a vegan cruise!

We first met when I decided to go watch Wonder Woman by myself in the theatre because I had no one else to go with me and I knew I couldn’t pass that movie (it was amazing! If you didn’t watch it yet you should do it now). Before the movie started, three guys walked by me to get to their seats. After the movie ended, two of them walked by me but the third one approached me and asked for my phone number. My giant bag of popcorn and I were completely unprepared for it, and all I could think (I don’t think the popcorn was thinking about much) was “who’s this cute Asian guy?? He has a dragon tattoo sleeve??? And he’s asking me out????” I said yes.

We texted nonstop for about two days (“YES, he’s a texter!”) and I happened to have a Sunday off – I was working retail at the time, weekends off were a rare occurrence – and I had been meaning to try this dish that was only served for breakfast on weekends at Cosmic Treats for the longest time. It’s called better than Elvis, and oh boy, is it good. The planets aligned and we met at 10am on that Sunday. We started talking and we had to keep ordering covfefe (formerly known as coffee) and tea (still known as tea) because we were sitting there for such a long time that the staff was starting to give us dirty looks. I think it was 4 pm when we decided it was time to leave but we still had more to talk about, so we took a short walk and found Snakes and Lattes, a board game cafe.

We were there until they closed the kitchen.

He took the streetcar home with me and walked me to my place. When we got there he asked if he could have a kiss and I thought “finally!!!”. It was perfect.

He came over the day after and kind of never left. My poor roommate suddenly had a second roommate and I feel so bad about it. She said it was fine, but I still feel bad. Sage and I moved in together about six months after that. We adopted Luna four months after that. And we just celebrated our first year together on July 2nd, 2018.

Sage loves cooking and he’s been having a lot of fun experimenting with vegan recipes. He made us these delicious vanilla crepes with strawberries, bananas, and a delicious chocolate mousse! This post is kind of much longer than I expected, so I’ll post the recipe on the next one!

Sage makes the food pretty for my pictures

I didn’t know I was gonna be making a blog post about it, so I didn’t take many pictures, ごめんなさい (sorry)!

Thanks for letting me share my story with you! I’m really happy and excited to see what the future holds. I want future me to read this post and have a fuzzy warm feeling remembering this day. 🌸💖

Here’s a picture of Luna (bc who doesn’t like puppy pictures?)

“What doing, mama?”

See ya!

I miss the old blogosphere

I started blogging when I was about 14 years old. I learned to edit all the code on Notepad and learned to crate my layouts on Photoshop then. It was so much fun. My only responsibility was school so I had a lot of free time.

Blogging was different back then. It was really about sharing your everyday life. I’d make posts every other day just talking about what I did and I’d get 20 comments every time. Back then you couldn’t reply to someone’s comment on your own blog, you had to go to their blog and leave a comment yourself, and that’s how we got to know other bloggers.

We had contests and awards for best layout and stuff, I even ran my own contest! I also had a template shop where I made lots of templates available for anyone to use.

But then things started to change. I couldn’t pin point when or why it happened, but it did. There was even a “campaign” to bring the old times back, but we were unsuccessful. Blogging became more a task than a source of joy, so I gradually stopped being part of that world.

I always missed it. I tried coming back to it a few times, but it was never the same and I’d never make time for it anyways. Priorities changed.

Now I’m 28 and I think this time I’m gonna stick around. I’ll have to get the rust off of my coding skills and fight with my painfully slow laptop to get a new template going, but it’ll happen. I decided not to wait until things were perfect to start blogging. I may have said that on my last post. The point is that I’ll blog for myself and not for the likes. I want this to be fun, not another source of anxiety and stress. So bare with me while I get this blog lookin’ good.

Another thing is that back then blogs didn’t have to be mobile friendly. The phones weren’t smart yet. So I’ll have to figure that out too. It may take a while, but I’ll be posting away until then.

Thanks everyone who liked my last post and followed the blog! That always makes things more exciting!

I think my next blog will be about sustainable/eco-friendly razors. We’ll see.

Until then.


Being strong is hard (tw: eating disorder)

Last night I had a breakdown.

I’m sorry

I think I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for many many years, but it’s always been mild or “high functioning” as they say, so I’ve never really been diagnosed.

I moved to Canada in 2015 and left all my friends and family back home. First I went to a (cold!) small town and I think that’s when the depression really started affecting me. Then I moved to Toronto where things got much better, but still challenging. I’m a pretty resilient person, it seems, and I’m a “get things done” kind of person too. I know crying and moping around won’t solve anything, so I just keep going, you know?

But at some point I developed an eating disorder (ED) and that has been a real nightmare. I was really ashamed and it was really hard for me to finally tell someone – I knew I needed to do that in order to start recovering. I couldn’t keep it a secret. So I told my partner, Sage, and he’s been doing the best he can to support me in this recovery journey.

Sage is my knight in shiny armor

You see, going to the gym has helped me immensely. It tells my ED that calories are being burned, so it’s “safe” to eat. But I really haven’t been eating enough. It’s a really tricky thing because I still think I need to lose 4kg (about 8lbs), so it’s hard for me to eat more because I don’t wanna gain weight, and at the same time I know I need energy to workout to lose those pounds. EDs don’t make any sense, so I can’t really explain it to someone who doesn’t struggle with disordered eating.

All I can say is that I’m trying my god damn best to get out of this hole, but it’s a painfully slow process and it’s not a linear one.

So last night I had a break down.

Sage has personal trainer experience and he’s been helping me with my workouts. But there are exercises I can’t do and that’s really frustrating for him. You see, I can do them, but I can’t at the same time. I have never enjoyed working out- I really hate it – so things like “burpees” make me wish I were dead so I didn’t have to do them. It’s an emotional thing, psychological if you may.

Image links to source
Burpees are from hell
Look at how FIT this woman is!!!

Burpees are what the devil makes people do when they go to hell. Scientifically proven fact right here.

Anyways, Sage and I talked and as I tried to explain to him why I couldn’t do it I broke down. I totally lost it. Everything came crashing down on me. All the pain, all the shame, the despair, the hopelessness. Everything. I couldn’t be strong any longer and I am so, SO glad that Sage was there to catch me.

I didn’t cry for a long time, but it was intense. We then talked about it and he understood that I need to take things slowly and that I’m doing the best I can. I really am.

Today I decided to eat more food so we could go to the gym. I feel very uncomfortable, but I know I’m doing the right thing for myself.

This was really not how I expected to start my blog – it’s not even finished yet, not really – but I missed blogging too much and this felt like the right time.

Hope I didn’t scare you away!

I’ll keep working on making this blog cute, but for now that’s all folks.