Flaming hair for the wedding!

Hi everyone!! I’m really excited today because I’m getting married in three days!!!!! It’s just a small city hall wedding, but it still means so much to me and I’m so happy! We’re going to a vegan Mexican place after the ceremony and I’m also so excited to try the food 😍 (are emojis okay?? Back in my days we’d type “*0*~” to express our feelings, hahaha).

My roots were super long and my hair pretty faded because I was waiting to do my hair the week of the wedding so I could have it fresh for the pictures!

I have a YouTube video showing how I dye my hair, so I decided to blog about it this time! I f*ked up a bit because I forgot to check if I had hair dye before I started the whole process and turns out I only had a tiny little bit left of the Splat (luscious raspberries) dye I’d been using to get my flamin’ red curls.

I went on an adventure to try and find it but was unsuccessful, so I had to do with Manic Panic. I thought I’d need two containers, but they only had one in Pillarbox Red, so I got a Wildfire (which is closer to an orange tone) to make it up. In the end I didn’t need two containers *eye roll*, but I had already mixed the colors up so I ended up with a brighter red than I expected. It still looks good, so I’m happy!

Just an addendum: I think it’s obvious, but I might as well mention that all products I use are vegan and cruelty-free.

Faded red and bleached roots!

So here’s how my hair was looking once I realized I didn’t have hair dye (ha!). It looks bright but it’s actually very faded. You’ll see what I mean by the end of the post! I should have made the roots lighter, but since I’ve been dying my hair a darker red, I didn’t feel the need to get my hair super light blond. I used the bleach that comes with the Splat hair dye, but I usually use the powder and developer by Ion.

The dyes

Here’s the pillarbox red and wildfire over the little leftover I had of luscious raspberries (I can never not laugh when I say the name of this dye). Note that they look weirdly brighter on the second picture, they are definitely closer to the first picture’s color.

After the application

Here’s how it looks after I’ve coated the whole hair. I always make sure that all the hair is saturated to avoid missing any spots. I use a fine comb to comb each strand of hair after I apply the hair dye to even it out. Sage was actually the one who did the back of my head this time! If that isn’t love, than I don’t know what is! ❤️

My beautiful shower cap head

Manic panic recommends using a shower cap, so I used one because I was a little worried that a lighter red wouldn’t cover the roots very well.

The murder scene

After about 40 minutes (the recommended time is half an hour, but I was distracted by my phone and not really worried about leaving the color longer because it won’t damage the hair), I rinsed it off. No shampoo or conditioner needed.

After the deed was done

Here’s how it looked fresh out of the shower and right after I styled it. I also have videos on how I cut and style my hair if you’re curious or bored!

The result

And here’s the day after! Hair dry and styled (and makeup on!). I’m actually very happy with the result and I’m thinking the wedding pictures will look amazing!

I’ll make sure to share them here! 💖

Hope this post was helpful to those who wanna venture in this self-hair-dying-world.

Ps: I have to say I was really upset for having messed up and forgotten to get hair dye for such an important day, but I’ve been trying to be more positive and I think the result was actually very good!

I should probably get a bouquet…? I need a manual 😩

See you soon!

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Vegan Crepes Recipe!

As I said in my last post, I don’t want this blog to be sad all the time, so I’m finally sharing the crepe and mousse recipes from my one year anniversary post in the hopes to cheer things up!

Yummy!

Sage is still experimenting with the recipe and he usually just eyeballs it when he cooks, but here’s how the delicious picture above came to life!

Crepe Mix:

1/2 cup water

1/2 cup almond milk (might work better with soy or cashew)

1/4 cup melted vegan butter

2 tablespoon maple syrup

2 tablespoon vanilla extract

Then mix in separate bowl:

1 cup sifted flour

1/2 teaspoon salt

2 tablespoon granulated sugar (any sugar works, but some will alter texture, pick based on preference)

Then mix the dry ingredients into wet and leave little lumps.

Chill batter in fridge for 1-2 hours before frying

Chocolate mousse*:

Make a very strong 1/3 cup hot chocolate with vegan dark chocolate and vanilla soy milk, sweetened to taste. Refrigerate until completely cooled.

Place one package of silken tofu into food processor, add 2 tablespoons of sugar, then blend until smooth.

Add chilled hot chocolate and blend again for a few seconds until fully incorporated, then taste.

If not chocolatey, add cacao powder or melted dark chocolate chips. If chocolatey but not sweet enough, add more sugar.

*it didn’t come out with the perfect mousse texture, Sage is still working on it. It may just be that we don’t currently own a blender powerful enough to introduce the right amount or air to the mixture. It’s more like a creamy pudding like texture, and it’s delicious!

Let me know if you wanna see more recipe posts!

じやね!

The Art Of Being Skinny

Image links to source

I was commenting on an ED recovery post and realized that my comment would probably be somewhat triggering for people. So I decided to make it a blog post instead. Trigger warning: discussion of body size, body image, and eating disorders.


People in recovery talk about how accepting their bodies helped them recover. “Body positive” is the new thing everyone is talking about everywhere and don’t get me wrong – I want people to love themselves – I just can’t love my body until I get my flat stomach back.

The thing is, I always was one of those “naturally skinny” people. I lived my whole life receiving compliments for being so small. “Anything looks good on you because you’re so skinny!” “Omg, you’re so skinny! I wish I looked like you” “When I think of skinny, I think of Fay”. People were always talking about “impossible beauty standards” and I felt special because I fit into that “impossible” standard. Until I turned 25 and my body betrayed me. So when I gained weight I broke down. Who am I if I’m not skinny? What worth do I have if I’m not skinny? Other people age and remain skinny, so I can’t accept that it’s juts my “woman body”. I don’t want this “woman body”, I want MY body. That’s why it’s so hard for me to accept gaining weight. I used to love my body until it changed. I was skinny, so why couldn’t I become skinny again? I had no idea losing weight was this hard. I always hated exercises and I never had to watch what I eat. Calorie counting was something that “only fat people do”. My BMI was always one point away from “underweight” and I loved it.

I just wanna love myself again.

I know these are all bad thoughts. I know my mind was shaped by a sick, fat-shaming society. But I don’t know how to change that, and honestly, I don’t know if I want to change it. At this point I feel like accepting my body is just an excuse because I’m lazy and don’t want to put in the work. Exercising is hard. It sucks. But it’s healthy and the ED gives me a reason to do it. Rationally I know I’m sick and I. Need. Help. But I don’t want help if it’s gonna make me gain weight.

I’m really scared of sharing these thoughts. I know they’re awful and they make me an awful person. But I’m tired of hiding. I am awful and I deserve any and all backlash I receive for it.


I really didn’t want this blog to be so sad, but I guess that’s all I have to offer right now. I’m sorry.

I hope you’re doing better than I am.

-Fay

A Day in the Life: Anorexia

I never thought I’d reblog something, but this post felt so real to me that I needed to share it. Maybe this will help people understand eating disorders a little better. It can be triggering if you struggle with an ED yourself, so please take that into consideration before reading. Thanks for writing this, Cara.

Cara’s Corner

I’ve started another mini series about what it’s like to spend a day living with different mental health problems.

I don’t normally do this, but I’m putting a content warning on this post. It might be difficult to read for people who are experiencing or are in recovery from an eating disorder. However, it’s very important to me that the raw, painful truth of mental illness is exposed. There are many, many examples of mental illness being glamourised in the media, but that’s not the reality we live with day to day. This first post is about how it is to live just one day with anorexia. If you think it might affect you negatively, I encourage you not to put yourself at risk by reading ahead. There is no mention of numbers (either calories or weight), but some of the content might be triggering.

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I’m awake. Did I actually…

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Hello again, old friend

Having depression sucks.

I feel like I’ve had mild depression for years, but because it’s mild and I’m a “functional” human being I never got diagnosed so I never got help.

I’ve been able to notice things that make it worse, but some days I’m just sad and there’s nothing I can do about it. Having an eating disorder doesn’t help. I deprive my body of food so I’m always tired and have no energy. If I don’t get a lot of sleep I wake up really wishing I were dead. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t hurt myself, but if I just happened to die I wouldn’t really mind it. And that’s just sad. I know I’ve accomplished so much, but it’s like nothing is enough and I’m really running out of energy to keep moving towards my goals.

When is it that I live a happy life with a job I enjoy and being paid a decent salary? How much longer will I have to keep doing things I hate just to survive? How long will I have to restrict myself from doing the things I want because I can’t afford them? How long?

I can’t even afford therapy.

I’m also on a work visa, so I have no help from the government whatsoever. My partner is recovering from an injury and has been receiving assistance for a while, so he also can’t help me financially – although he does help me mentally and emotionally – so I just really feel like I’m stuck. My mom spent all her savings helping me to come to Canada. My father demanded we sold our condo during the divorce because he wanted the money. He had to get an expensive surgery to fix his hip joint. So everyone is financially strained. And I know a lot of people around the world are in ever worse situations. No one should have to live like this. What’s wrong with the world? Where’s humanity?

Image links to source
“I see humans but no humanity”

It’s no wonder mental illness is so rampant nowadays. The demand is too high, the competitions is too much, community is virtually inexistent. And I honestly don’t know how to make anything better.

I’m just one more depressed millennial.

I relapsed

T/W: Eating disorders.

Tonight I relapsed.

I’m honestly so embarrassed and I feel so gross. I thought I was doing better since I lost weight. I actually reached my goal, which was to go back to my regular weight. But I just had this cookie after dinner and for some reason it made me feel so gross. I tried to rationalize it. I tried doing squats and jumping jacks. But I couldn’t stop noticing how full my stomach was and I couldn’t take my mind off the cookie. So I relapsed.

Now I’m so scared of having horrible stomach pains again… I decided to write a list of reasons not to relapse. Some of these are gross, so read at your own discretion. I need to do this for myself.

Reasons not to relapse:

  1. Vomiting hurts.
  2. I get vomit on my hands and sometimes it even splashes back to my face.
  3. It burns my throat.
  4. It tastes awful.
  5. It makes my face swollen.
  6. It makes me bloated.
  7. It makes me constipated.
  8. It gives me a sore throat the day after.
  9. It may trigger horrible stomach pains.
  10. It makes me look and feel bigger.
  11. It makes me feel like a failure.
  12. It makes me feel ashamed of myself.
  13. I can choose not to do it.
  14. I don’t want to be controlled by my ED.
  15. I want to be happy again.

I’ll go over these anytime I feel like relapsing again. Thank you all for your support and kind words so far. I really appreciate it. I promise I’m working on getting better.

Thank you for reading this. I’ll end this post with this cute picture I found while looking for inspirational quotes. ❤

Picture links to source
Thank you, Mr. Cat!

ED Recovery Journey

Hi everyone! I got a really supportive response from folks on my last post and on youtube too. Thank you all so much. It’s always a good feeling to know you’re not alone.

I’ve actually been at a much better place these past two days. It suddenly feels like I finally lost the fat I dreaded so much and I’m back to my regular body size. I even went to Hot Topic to get some new pants and I feel so good in them! There’s a little video on my Instagram story, but I’ll edit this post to add a proper picture later.

New pants!!!

I still have very negative thoughts about weight and food, so I’ll have to keep working on that. It’s really incredible how we’re raised in a society that hates fat people so much! I remember saying from a very young age that I’d rather have an eating disorder than to be fat – well, here I am! I really hope our society will change very very soon and that people will stop commenting on each other’s bodies. I have this memory with an extremely negative feeling attached to it and I’ll share it so I can make my point:

I had gained weight living in Canada and I went back home for the holidays. We went to my uncle’s place – where we usually gather for big family celebrations – and as soon as my uncle saw me he said something to the effect “wow! Look at you! Now you’re looking good!” And even though he obviously meant it as a compliment, I knew that he liked women with fuller bodies that I considered fat. I was already uncomfortable with my body, but after that comment I couldn’t live with myself. I had to lose weight.

People really shouldn’t be commenting on each other’s weight and/or size. You never know how that will affect the person. What is intended as a compliment can be received in a very negative manner, as was the case with my uncle.

This  also proves my point that we’re raised in a toxic society. Of course it won’t affect everyone in the same manner, but we know for a fact that girls are always trying to lose weight or change something about their bodies. Men are also affected, of course, but according to the National Eating Disorder Information Centre women are three times more likely to have an ED than men. My mom’s boyfriend told me recently that “women always think they need to lose 2 kg” and it’s true! I grew up surrounded by women trying this or that diet, complaining about their bodies but also talking about how so-and-so used to be beautiful but now they’re fat. In contrast, I can only think of four men in my life who wanted to lose weight.

I’m gonna go before I derail too much from my original point, but I’ll leave you with a link to this CNN article on why we body-shame people.

Hope you have an amazing weekend!