I just wanted to make a follow up post on my neighbor. She’s been sober for a few days now and is attending her AA meetings. She has a worker and is figuring things out. She wants to get her shit together and be able to care for her dog again.
I really hope she manages to stay sober this time, losing her mom was really tough on her. She was in a very controlling and abusive relationship, too. Now that it’s over I hope she recovers well. She’s a really nice person and she deserves to be happy.
I was commenting on an ED recovery post and realized that my comment would probably be somewhat triggering for people. So I decided to make it a blog post instead. Trigger warning: discussion of body size, body image, and eating disorders.
People in recovery talk about how accepting their bodies helped them recover. “Body positive” is the new thing everyone is talking about everywhere and don’t get me wrong – I want people to love themselves – I just can’t love my body until I get my flat stomach back.
The thing is, I always was one of those “naturally skinny” people. I lived my whole life receiving compliments for being so small. “Anything looks good on you because you’re so skinny!” “Omg, you’re so skinny! I wish I looked like you” “When I think of skinny, I think of Fay”. People were always talking about “impossible beauty standards” and I felt special because I fit into that “impossible” standard. Until I turned 25 and my body betrayed me. So when I gained weight I broke down. Who am I if I’m not skinny? What worth do I have if I’m not skinny? Other people age and remain skinny, so I can’t accept that it’s juts my “woman body”. I don’t want this “woman body”, I want MY body. That’s why it’s so hard for me to accept gaining weight. I used to love my body until it changed. I was skinny, so why couldn’t I become skinny again? I had no idea losing weight was this hard. I always hated exercises and I never had to watch what I eat. Calorie counting was something that “only fat people do”. My BMI was always one point away from “underweight” and I loved it.
I just wanna love myself again.
I know these are all bad thoughts. I know my mind was shaped by a sick, fat-shaming society. But I don’t know how to change that, and honestly, I don’t know if I want to change it. At this point I feel like accepting my body is just an excuse because I’m lazy and don’t want to put in the work. Exercising is hard. It sucks. But it’s healthy and the ED gives me a reason to do it. Rationally I know I’m sick and I. Need. Help. But I don’t want help if it’s gonna make me gain weight.
I’m really scared of sharing these thoughts. I know they’re awful and they make me an awful person. But I’m tired of hiding. I am awful and I deserve any and all backlash I receive for it.
I really didn’t want this blog to be so sad, but I guess that’s all I have to offer right now. I’m sorry.
I feel like I’ve had mild depression for years, but because it’s mild and I’m a “functional” human being I never got diagnosed so I never got help.
I’ve been able to notice things that make it worse, but some days I’m just sad and there’s nothing I can do about it. Having an eating disorder doesn’t help. I deprive my body of food so I’m always tired and have no energy. If I don’t get a lot of sleep I wake up really wishing I were dead. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t hurt myself, but if I just happened to die I wouldn’t really mind it. And that’s just sad. I know I’ve accomplished so much, but it’s like nothing is enough and I’m really running out of energy to keep moving towards my goals.
When is it that I live a happy life with a job I enjoy and being paid a decent salary? How much longer will I have to keep doing things I hate just to survive? How long will I have to restrict myself from doing the things I want because I can’t afford them? How long?
I can’t even afford therapy.
I’m also on a work visa, so I have no help from the government whatsoever. My partner is recovering from an injury and has been receiving assistance for a while, so he also can’t help me financially – although he does help me mentally and emotionally – so I just really feel like I’m stuck. My mom spent all her savings helping me to come to Canada. My father demanded we sold our condo during the divorce because he wanted the money. He had to get an expensive surgery to fix his hip joint. So everyone is financially strained. And I know a lotofpeople around the world are in ever worse situations. No one should have to live like this. What’s wrong with the world? Where’s humanity?
It’s no wonder mental illness is so rampant nowadays. The demand is too high, the competitions is too much, community is virtually inexistent. And I honestly don’t know how to make anything better.
I’m honestly so embarrassed and I feel so gross. I thought I was doing better since I lost weight. I actually reached my goal, which was to go back to my regular weight. But I just had this cookie after dinner and for some reason it made me feel so gross. I tried to rationalize it. I tried doing squats and jumping jacks. But I couldn’t stop noticing how full my stomach was and I couldn’t take my mind off the cookie. So I relapsed.
Now I’m so scared of having horrible stomach pains again… I decided to write a list of reasons not to relapse. Some of these are gross, so read at your own discretion. I need to do this for myself.
Reasons not to relapse:
I get vomit on my hands and sometimes it even splashes back to my face.
It burns my throat.
It tastes awful.
It makes my face swollen.
It makes me bloated.
It makes me constipated.
It gives me a sore throat the day after.
It may trigger horrible stomach pains.
It makes me look and feel bigger.
It makes me feel like a failure.
It makes me feel ashamed of myself.
I can choose not to do it.
I don’t want to be controlled by my ED.
I want to be happy again.
I’ll go over these anytime I feel like relapsing again. Thank you all for your support and kind words so far. I really appreciate it. I promise I’m working on getting better.
Thank you for reading this. I’ll end this post with this cute picture I found while looking for inspirational quotes. ❤
Hi everyone! I got a really supportive response from folks on my last post and on youtube too. Thank you all so much. It’s always a good feeling to know you’re not alone.
I’ve actually been at a much better place these past two days. It suddenly feels like I finally lost the fat I dreaded so much and I’m back to my regular body size. I even went to Hot Topic to get some new pants and I feel so good in them! There’s a little video on my Instagram story, but I’ll edit this post to add a proper picture later.
I still have very negative thoughts about weight and food, so I’ll have to keep working on that. It’s really incredible how we’re raised in a society that hates fat people so much! I remember saying from a very young age that I’d rather have an eating disorder than to be fat – well, here I am! I really hope our society will change very very soon and that people will stop commenting on each other’s bodies. I have this memory with an extremely negative feeling attached to it and I’ll share it so I can make my point:
I had gained weight living in Canada and I went back home for the holidays. We went to my uncle’s place – where we usually gather for big family celebrations – and as soon as my uncle saw me he said something to the effect “wow! Look at you! Now you’re looking good!” And even though he obviously meant it as a compliment, I knew that he liked women with fuller bodies that I considered fat. I was already uncomfortable with my body, but after that comment I couldn’t live with myself. I had to lose weight.
People really shouldn’t be commenting on each other’s weight and/or size. You never know how that will affect the person. What is intended as a compliment can be received in a very negative manner, as was the case with my uncle.
This also proves my point that we’re raised in a toxic society. Of course it won’t affect everyone in the same manner, but we know for a fact that girls are always trying to lose weight or change something about their bodies. Men are also affected, of course, but according to the National Eating Disorder Information Centre women are three times more likely to have an ED than men. My mom’s boyfriend told me recently that “women always think they need to lose 2 kg” and it’s true! I grew up surrounded by women trying this or that diet, complaining about their bodies but also talking about how so-and-so used to be beautiful but now they’re fat. In contrast, I can only think of four men in my life who wanted to lose weight.
I’m gonna go before I derail too much from my original point, but I’ll leave you with a link to this CNN article on why we body-shame people.
I think I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety for many many years, but it’s always been mild or “high functioning” as they say, so I’ve never really been diagnosed.
I moved to Canada in 2015 and left all my friends and family back home. First I went to a (cold!) small town and I think that’s when the depression really started affecting me. Then I moved to Toronto where things got much better, but still challenging. I’m a pretty resilient person, it seems, and I’m a “get things done” kind of person too. I know crying and moping around won’t solve anything, so I just keep going, you know?
But at some point I developed an eating disorder (ED) and that has been a real nightmare. I was really ashamed and it was really hard for me to finally tell someone – I knew I needed to do that in order to start recovering. I couldn’t keep it a secret. So I told my partner, Sage, and he’s been doing the best he can to support me in this recovery journey.
You see, going to the gym has helped me immensely. It tells my ED that calories are being burned, so it’s “safe” to eat. But I really haven’t been eating enough. It’s a really tricky thing because I still think I need to lose 4kg (about 8lbs), so it’s hard for me to eat more because I don’t wanna gain weight, and at the same time I know I need energy to workout to lose those pounds. EDs don’t make any sense, so I can’t really explain it to someone who doesn’t struggle with disordered eating.
All I can say is that I’m trying my god damn best to get out of this hole, but it’s a painfully slow process and it’s not a linear one.
So last night I had a break down.
Sage has personal trainer experience and he’s been helping me with my workouts. But there are exercises I can’t do and that’s really frustrating for him. You see, I can do them, but I can’t at the same time. I have never enjoyed working out- I really hate it – so things like “burpees” make me wish I were dead so I didn’t have to do them. It’s an emotional thing, psychological if you may.
Burpees are what the devil makes people do when they go to hell. Scientifically proven fact right here.
Anyways, Sage and I talked and as I tried to explain to him why I couldn’t do it I broke down. I totally lost it. Everything came crashing down on me. All the pain, all the shame, the despair, the hopelessness. Everything. I couldn’t be strong any longer and I am so, SO glad that Sage was there to catch me.
I didn’t cry for a long time, but it was intense. We then talked about it and he understood that I need to take things slowly and that I’m doing the best I can. I really am.
Today I decided to eat more food so we could go to the gym. I feel very uncomfortable, but I know I’m doing the right thing for myself.
This was really not how I expected to start my blog – it’s not even finished yet, not really – but I missed blogging too much and this felt like the right time.
Hope I didn’t scare you away!
I’ll keep working on making this blog cute, but for now that’s all folks.