Dark thoughts on death and dying

Content warning: Discussion of  drug abuse, detox, rehab, sexual assault, depression and suicide. Please consider reading a different post if these topics can be triggering for you.

I recently had an experience that brought out a lot of feelings and thoughts I’ve had throughout my life. It wasn’t something I had experienced before and I found it was quite traumatic for I had nightmares and I haven’t stopped thinking about it yet. It’s been four days.

Here’s what happened:

A neighbour came to my door to ask if I wanted some dog food since her dog was with her father and she would be going to rehab. Let’s call her M. She looked quite distressed and I had prior knowledge of her drug addiction. M sat down on the doorway and started chatting with me. She said she was stupid because she used right after leaving detox. I invited her in so she could be more comfortable and have more privacy. She was happy to see Luna, my dog, as it turned out she really needed the puppy love. M had some large bruises on her legs and I asked if she was in an accident. She said she was raped, it had been the third time in the past month and a half. I was at a loss for words, but she didn’t make a big deal out of it and kept talking about other things. M was jumping from topic to topic and would never finish her thoughts, she also repeated herself multiple times throughout the day.

She mentioned her hair was a mess because she hadn’t brushed it out for four days and asked if I could help her. She didn’t want to use my brush so we went to her apartment to use hers. Luna went with us. M’s place was littered in clothes and there was a huge hole in the wall. Later she explained that she had done it herself during an episode and that she was facing eviction due to that. She offered me drinks and I stupidly accepted it. I asked if that was a good idea since she wanted to be sober but she assured me that that was her last day before going to rehab, so a drink wouldn’t hurt. I’ll forever regret that decision. I should have known better, but at the same time this was my first time in a situation like that and I didn’t really know M, we had only spoken before because of our dogs. I’m very shy and quiet, so I just politely greet my neighbours – I don’t know them.

M made herself three drinks in total because she kept losing them around the house. She asked if I did lines – I’ve never even smoked pot – so she went to the bathroom to do it. She was even more electric after that. Her speech went in loops about her mother’s death, her father taking her dog away, her being raped, her ending up in jail because she wanted to “show her ex” how broken up they were, her wanting to call said ex, and how stupid she was for drinking and doing drugs. She called about five different friends, two of them multiple times. I managed to brush her hair while she prayed. She wanted me to help her get ready to go to the AA meeting that afternoon. M was hungry, so she popped some food in the microwave. Eating was a task because she was so out of control and couldn’t stick to eating no matter how hungry she was. She asked if I’d dump her coke with her and I gladly did so, but she did another line bofore throwing the rest out… I also dumped all the drinks and what was left of the bottle without her noticing. M started saying that she was “too fucked up” to go to the meeting, but I assured her she needed to go and that she needed help. Her friend was kind enough to pick her up for the AA meeting, and M said she would text me when she got back.

She never did.

I’ve honestly been too scared to  message her or knock on her door. I don’t know what to say or what to expect. I feel like I’m a horrible person for not checking in on her, but at the same time I have my own issues that keep me emotionally exhausted most days, so I know for a fact I don’t have the energy to be there for her. As I said in the beginning of the post, I’ve had nightmares about it. I dreamed I was going to be raped. I’ve been sad and moody these past days and I just feel like there’s this heavy cloud hovering me at all times. I’m glad Luna was with us, she made me feel safe.

M mentioned at some point that she tried to commit suicide recently. Her mom was the only one who understood her and she died of cancer a year and a half ago. M is also HIV+.

What I’m going to say will sound horrible, but I’ve felt like this for as long as I can remember:

Why do people try so hard to live?

I really don’t understand it. Living is such a chore.  The majority of the population has to work a job they hate just so they can pay bills. We’re all depressed and anxious. There’s so much hate in the world, so much pain. Humankind is making the world unlivable. Everything sucks. Even if there are beautiful places to see, good food to eat, people and animals to love, I really don’t think it’s worth it. I mean, I wouldn’t kill myself because that would destroy my mom and my brother. I also have a husband and dog to think of now. But If I was diagnosed with a deadly disease I wouldn’t try that hard to live. I know I’ll never live my dream of being a singer. I’ll never have a job I actually enjoy. There’s too much to do, too many steps to take, so why fight to live? Specially when I see terminal patients who can’t get assisted death. Just. Let. Them. Go. Let them be free of this suffering.

I don’t even know if I feel this way because I’m depressed or if I’m depressed because I’ve always felt this way.

I needed to get it out of my chest so that maybe I can process this and finally have a good night of sleep. I apologize for the depressive post. I feel like this blog just makes people disappointed in me because they only know “nice”, “loving” and “compassionate” Fay. Keeping the sad and pessimistic Fay hidden away is exhausting, so she comes out here…

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