I had a really tough weekend. My mental health has been declining and on Saturday I reached a low point I don’t think I had ever experienced before. I’m really embarrassed of myself and just disappointed to be honest.
I’ve been trying to hold my shit together for too long and I think I’ve officially reached my limit. I want to look into inpatient facilities, but I don’t have a health card, insurance or money, so I probably won’t be able to get the help I want… I tried using Better Help, but they wanna charge me $68/week and that’s unfeasible.
So I guess I’ll just have to try the best I can by myself. Thankfully I do have a very supportive husband, but I feel guilty because the poor guy thinks it’s his fault that I’m feeling this way even though I keep telling him it’s not.
He’s probably the only reason I didn’t completely lose it yet, to be honest…
A while ago I decided I didn’t want to drink anymore. After some self-reflection I realized I used to drink as self-harm – even if I really didn’t really drink that much – and I used being drunk as an excuse to do things I otherwise wouldn’t have done.
But I started drinking again, and this time I really wanted to hurt myself. I just feel like such a failure. Undeserving of anything but pain. I hate the person I am right now and I want to hurt her to see if she goes away. I think. I don’t know. It’s been really hard. I wish I could just stop.
But I can’t.
I have to keep going and figure this out. I have to believe there’s light at the end of the tunnel even though I can’t see it yet.
Vegan Twitter has actually been really supportive. I really like those people and turns out they like me too!
So I’ll keep going. It’s not easy at all and I don’t really know how to keep going, but I’ll figure it out eventually.
I wanna post more often, but I didn’t want this blog to be so negative. Unfortunately that’s how I’m feeling and I don’t want to have to pretend here. I can barely pretend at work anymore.
I just need to sleep for an undetermined amount of time. Have no responsibilities. Breathe. Find enjoyment in things again. I don’t wanna be depressed. I don’t wanna obsess about food and weight. I’m don’t wanna have an ED. I just wanna be who I used to be.
Fay is an animal lover and, therefore, a vegan. She is also a youtuber and aspiring influencer. She blogs about the vegan lifestyle, alternative fashion, beauty and books, and she's currently recovering from an ED, so you can follow her journey here. You can also find her on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook.