Hard Times

I had a really tough weekend. My mental health has been declining and on Saturday I reached a low point I don’t think I had ever experienced before. I’m really embarrassed of myself and just disappointed to be honest.

I’ve been trying to hold my shit together for too long and I think I’ve officially reached my limit. I want to look into inpatient facilities, but I don’t have a health card, insurance or money, so I probably won’t be able to get the help I want… I tried using Better Help, but they wanna charge me $68/week and that’s unfeasible.

So I guess I’ll just have to try the best I can by myself. Thankfully I do have a very supportive husband, but I feel guilty because the poor guy thinks it’s his fault that I’m feeling this way even though I keep telling him it’s not.

He’s probably the only reason I didn’t completely lose it yet, to be honest…

A while ago I decided I didn’t want to drink anymore. After some self-reflection I realized I used to drink as self-harm – even if I really didn’t really drink that much – and I used being drunk as an excuse to do things I otherwise wouldn’t have done.

But I started drinking again, and this time I really wanted to hurt myself. I just feel like such a failure. Undeserving of anything but pain. I hate the person I am right now and I want to hurt her to see if she goes away. I think. I don’t know. It’s been really hard. I wish I could just stop.

But I can’t.

I have to keep going and figure this out. I have to believe there’s light at the end of the tunnel even though I can’t see it yet.

Vegan Twitter has actually been really supportive. I really like those people and turns out they like me too!

So I’ll keep going. It’s not easy at all and I don’t really know how to keep going, but I’ll figure it out eventually.

I wanna post more often, but I didn’t want this blog to be so negative. Unfortunately that’s how I’m feeling and I don’t want to have to pretend here. I can barely pretend at work anymore.

I just need to sleep for an undetermined amount of time. Have no responsibilities. Breathe. Find enjoyment in things again. I don’t wanna be depressed. I don’t wanna obsess about food and weight. I’m don’t wanna have an ED. I just wanna be who I used to be.

I’m tired.

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