New job, new dog?

Hi there!

I know I have been gone a long time, but I think about posting every day! I have the horrible habit of thinking “I can’t do something well enough so I’ll just watch Netflix instead”… I even started a habit tracker to try to get out of this mindset but then I started slacking off on that too :/

A lot has been going on though. I was thinking of being unemployed for a couple months so I could really focus on self-care, but then I got offered a position in my actual field of work and I couldn’t say no! Turns out I still have to interview because of HR, but it’s almost guaranteed I’ll get it unless I really screw up the interview. I’ve been studying so that I can be prepared for it. It’s in a tough neighborhood with complex clients, so it’ll be a challenge but I’ll gain valuable experience and it’s a contract, so there’s no permanent obligation. With this kind of experience it’ll be much easier to get other jobs in the future!

Luna and Thomas
Luna and Thomas

The other thing is that I’m dog sitting for my friend. She can’t afford a place by herself and couldn’t find a roommate who wanted pets, so she can’t keep her dog, Tom, anymore. He’s a 10 month old chihuahua. Very cute but he whines. A LOT. Our dog Luna is very chill and very well behaved, so I kind of forgot how baby dogs can be annoying at times and I feel bad for getting mad at him. We’ve been able to reduce his whining considerably by ignoring him and putting him in his crate when he won’t stop, but I need more strategies to help him. Sage didn’t actually want a second dog, but he said yes because he loves me and he knows I care very much about my friend, so I really don’t want the dog to bother him with his whininess. I also need tips on training two dogs at the same time. Tom only knows how to sit while Luna can sit, stay, give the paw (and the other), down, and she actually listens when I say “no” hahaha. She’s also extremely quiet and is more than happy to just sleep by my side all day (or sleep on the couch when mommy and daddy aren’t home). She never goes inside. I’m pretty sure there’s some trauma involved in that, she won’t even pee on the side walk: potty is on grass only. (Luna is a rescue, so we don’t know much about her past). Thomas has had a couple accidents at home, but he knows to go on his pad – which is very helpful. I was able to book his neuter with the humane society for the end of October, so hopefully that’ll help with his training too.

A blurry picture of us

It’s funny because Tom is SO smol! He makes Luna seem like a giant LOL. Her teeth look much bigger now, I can see why some children want to pet her but don’t want her to sniff them, hahaha. She’s so gently though. Tom will bark at strangers… I think it’s because he’s so small and he grew up in the suburbs, so he’s not used to seeing so many people. Luna is basically his first dog friend. (Don’t tell Luna I said she’s friends with Tom).

I think this turned out to be a great post! I’m pretty happy with it. *strikes Superman pose* I hope you enjoyed it too!

I promise I’ll be back soon!!

XOXO

– Your favorite vegan Fox 🦊

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Hard Times

I had a really tough weekend. My mental health has been declining and on Saturday I reached a low point I don’t think I had ever experienced before. I’m really embarrassed of myself and just disappointed to be honest.

I’ve been trying to hold my shit together for too long and I think I’ve officially reached my limit. I want to look into inpatient facilities, but I don’t have a health card, insurance or money, so I probably won’t be able to get the help I want… I tried using Better Help, but they wanna charge me $68/week and that’s unfeasible.

So I guess I’ll just have to try the best I can by myself. Thankfully I do have a very supportive husband, but I feel guilty because the poor guy thinks it’s his fault that I’m feeling this way even though I keep telling him it’s not.

He’s probably the only reason I didn’t completely lose it yet, to be honest…

A while ago I decided I didn’t want to drink anymore. After some self-reflection I realized I used to drink as self-harm – even if I really didn’t really drink that much – and I used being drunk as an excuse to do things I otherwise wouldn’t have done.

But I started drinking again, and this time I really wanted to hurt myself. I just feel like such a failure. Undeserving of anything but pain. I hate the person I am right now and I want to hurt her to see if she goes away. I think. I don’t know. It’s been really hard. I wish I could just stop.

But I can’t.

I have to keep going and figure this out. I have to believe there’s light at the end of the tunnel even though I can’t see it yet.

Vegan Twitter has actually been really supportive. I really like those people and turns out they like me too!

So I’ll keep going. It’s not easy at all and I don’t really know how to keep going, but I’ll figure it out eventually.

I wanna post more often, but I didn’t want this blog to be so negative. Unfortunately that’s how I’m feeling and I don’t want to have to pretend here. I can barely pretend at work anymore.

I just need to sleep for an undetermined amount of time. Have no responsibilities. Breathe. Find enjoyment in things again. I don’t wanna be depressed. I don’t wanna obsess about food and weight. I’m don’t wanna have an ED. I just wanna be who I used to be.

I’m tired.

Vegan Macadamia Oat Cookie Starbucks Review

That’s… a really long title.

Since today is gym day I decided to try the new vegan cookie from Starbucks. (They’re also giving you double stars if you use the app to pay!) It’s a pretty big cookie, which means lots of calories, so I’d recommend sharing with a friend!

The almonds and macadamia nuts give it a really nice flavor, and the cranberries are a good alternative to raisins too. Plus, the pumpkin seeds add nicely to the texture! However, it has orange and lemon zest in it, and I’m not the biggest fan of citrusy deserts… I probably wouldn’t have bought it had I known it beforehand. 🙄 But if that’s your kind of flavor you’re in for a treat!

It’s a soft chewy-ish cookie, and they can warm it up for you too! You can order your drink with almond milk to compensate for the extra calories, hahaha. 😉 It’s 390 calories to be exact. For comparison purposes, the (non-vegan) chocolate chip cookie has 570 calories. That’s like, a whole meal worth of calories! 😰

Man, I miss the days I didn’t count calories…

Anyways, all in all it’s a tasty cookie if you like orange zest, but it’s a treat better shared with a second person (so you can eat without the guilt 😜).

I hope this was helpful! Let me know if you’d like to see more review posts like this one. I love reading reviews before buying anything, I feel like I avoid wasting money when I do so!

Have you tried the macadamia oat cookie? What did you think of it? If you haven’t, are you thinking of giving it a try? I’d love to hear your thoughts!

PS: what do you think of the signature on the pictures? I think I finally found one that I like! Although it’ll only work on plain backgrounds. Editing pictures in photoshop was so much easier, I need multiple apps to try to achieve a look I’m okay with, but it’s never the way I actually want it…

Oh well.

See you next time!

-Fay

Update

Hi all,

I just wanted to make a follow up post on my neighbor. She’s been sober for a few days now and is attending her AA meetings. She has a worker and is figuring things out. She wants to get her shit together and be able to care for her dog again.

I really hope she manages to stay sober this time, losing her mom was really tough on her. She was in a very controlling and abusive relationship, too. Now that it’s over I hope she recovers well. She’s a really nice person and she deserves to be happy.

Please send her good thoughts ❤

xoxo

Dark thoughts on death and dying

Content warning: Discussion of  drug abuse, detox, rehab, sexual assault, depression and suicide. Please consider reading a different post if these topics can be triggering for you.

I recently had an experience that brought out a lot of feelings and thoughts I’ve had throughout my life. It wasn’t something I had experienced before and I found it was quite traumatic for I had nightmares and I haven’t stopped thinking about it yet. It’s been four days.

Here’s what happened:

A neighbour came to my door to ask if I wanted some dog food since her dog was with her father and she would be going to rehab. Let’s call her M. She looked quite distressed and I had prior knowledge of her drug addiction. M sat down on the doorway and started chatting with me. She said she was stupid because she used right after leaving detox. I invited her in so she could be more comfortable and have more privacy. She was happy to see Luna, my dog, as it turned out she really needed the puppy love. M had some large bruises on her legs and I asked if she was in an accident. She said she was raped, it had been the third time in the past month and a half. I was at a loss for words, but she didn’t make a big deal out of it and kept talking about other things. M was jumping from topic to topic and would never finish her thoughts, she also repeated herself multiple times throughout the day.

She mentioned her hair was a mess because she hadn’t brushed it out for four days and asked if I could help her. She didn’t want to use my brush so we went to her apartment to use hers. Luna went with us. M’s place was littered in clothes and there was a huge hole in the wall. Later she explained that she had done it herself during an episode and that she was facing eviction due to that. She offered me drinks and I stupidly accepted it. I asked if that was a good idea since she wanted to be sober but she assured me that that was her last day before going to rehab, so a drink wouldn’t hurt. I’ll forever regret that decision. I should have known better, but at the same time this was my first time in a situation like that and I didn’t really know M, we had only spoken before because of our dogs. I’m very shy and quiet, so I just politely greet my neighbours – I don’t know them.

M made herself three drinks in total because she kept losing them around the house. She asked if I did lines – I’ve never even smoked pot – so she went to the bathroom to do it. She was even more electric after that. Her speech went in loops about her mother’s death, her father taking her dog away, her being raped, her ending up in jail because she wanted to “show her ex” how broken up they were, her wanting to call said ex, and how stupid she was for drinking and doing drugs. She called about five different friends, two of them multiple times. I managed to brush her hair while she prayed. She wanted me to help her get ready to go to the AA meeting that afternoon. M was hungry, so she popped some food in the microwave. Eating was a task because she was so out of control and couldn’t stick to eating no matter how hungry she was. She asked if I’d dump her coke with her and I gladly did so, but she did another line bofore throwing the rest out… I also dumped all the drinks and what was left of the bottle without her noticing. M started saying that she was “too fucked up” to go to the meeting, but I assured her she needed to go and that she needed help. Her friend was kind enough to pick her up for the AA meeting, and M said she would text me when she got back.

She never did.

I’ve honestly been too scared to  message her or knock on her door. I don’t know what to say or what to expect. I feel like I’m a horrible person for not checking in on her, but at the same time I have my own issues that keep me emotionally exhausted most days, so I know for a fact I don’t have the energy to be there for her. As I said in the beginning of the post, I’ve had nightmares about it. I dreamed I was going to be raped. I’ve been sad and moody these past days and I just feel like there’s this heavy cloud hovering me at all times. I’m glad Luna was with us, she made me feel safe.

M mentioned at some point that she tried to commit suicide recently. Her mom was the only one who understood her and she died of cancer a year and a half ago. M is also HIV+.

What I’m going to say will sound horrible, but I’ve felt like this for as long as I can remember:

Why do people try so hard to live?

I really don’t understand it. Living is such a chore.  The majority of the population has to work a job they hate just so they can pay bills. We’re all depressed and anxious. There’s so much hate in the world, so much pain. Humankind is making the world unlivable. Everything sucks. Even if there are beautiful places to see, good food to eat, people and animals to love, I really don’t think it’s worth it. I mean, I wouldn’t kill myself because that would destroy my mom and my brother. I also have a husband and dog to think of now. But If I was diagnosed with a deadly disease I wouldn’t try that hard to live. I know I’ll never live my dream of being a singer. I’ll never have a job I actually enjoy. There’s too much to do, too many steps to take, so why fight to live? Specially when I see terminal patients who can’t get assisted death. Just. Let. Them. Go. Let them be free of this suffering.

I don’t even know if I feel this way because I’m depressed or if I’m depressed because I’ve always felt this way.

I needed to get it out of my chest so that maybe I can process this and finally have a good night of sleep. I apologize for the depressive post. I feel like this blog just makes people disappointed in me because they only know “nice”, “loving” and “compassionate” Fay. Keeping the sad and pessimistic Fay hidden away is exhausting, so she comes out here…

Frappuccinos are 50% off at Starbucks today if you have the app.

Writer’s block

writersblockI’m sure everyone’s heard of writer’s block. Some of my fellow bloggers have talked about it in the past and many book authors have talked about it as well. But I feel like for me this was different. I did know what to write about – I mean, I had just gotten married and had amazing pictures to share! I wanted to write the blog post as soon as I got the pictures, but I felt the weight of my self-imposed rule that I had to watermark all the pictures before posting them and I just kept dreading the work it was gonna take me to do that…

I think that’s under the category of procrastination which is something I’m really good at, but also under perfectionism. You see, I used to blog when I was young and had no responsibilities other than school. I grew up in Brazil where school is usually from 7am-12pm, so I had pretty much the whole afternoon and evening to be on my pc blogging away. I learned to code and to edit my templates on Photoshop, so my blog was very personalized (on a side note, I’m actually very sad that wordpress won’t let me edit my blog to look however I want it to…). So at that time everything I posted was beautifully edited and always had my name and blog written on it. Nowadays I mostly post from my phone or from a pc without Photoshop, and the free apps for editing are just garbage very poor at editing pictures.

So I found myself stuck in the predicament that I had to do it before being able to post, but that doing it would require way more energy than I had available. Dealing with a mental illness is pretty draining, especially when you’re unhappy about other aspects of your life (which then feed the mental illness and makes it even more difficult and the snowball effect starts…).

This is not a new experience to me, it actually happens quite frequently and I feel like it prevents me from achieving so much in life… I find that the only thing that helps is to acknowledge what is happening and just do it. I know that’s not the most helpful advice, but it’s the only way I’ve personally found to help me in this situation.

Did you ever experience something like this? Do you have a way of dealing with it? I’d love to hear your thoughts! I really want to overcome this, not only in blogging but also in all other aspects of my life. I really feels like it hold me back sooo much and I want to change that.

I feel like this was a very poorly written post. I hope it at least conveyed the message I wanted it to…

I’ll try to write a better one for next time!

 

Xoxo

I got married!!

I’m so excited to finally share these pictures with you!

Sage and I got married at the City Hall in Toronto and it was such an amazing day! I wish I had recorded the ceremony because it all just happened so fast! Let me start from the beginning.

I woke up earlier because I needed to go get supplies to make my bouquet. Yes, I made my own bouquet the morning of the ceremony. Classic Fay. I also had no idea what I was doing and was slightly freaking out because the internet decided it wasn’t gonna work so I couldn’t get ideas on google. Luckily it was the beginning of the month and I had plenty of data, so I could get a few ideas and after a few failures I had my bouquet!

Photography by Ori Carmona

I got my toenails done the day before and had to fix them myself because apparently people don’t know you’re supposed to cover the entire nail with polish??? I digress. And did my fingernails the night before to make sure I’d have time to fix them in the morning if it was needed. I washed my hair so I’d have fresh looking curls and I realized I was late to get my makeup done by my makeup artist friend! and I low key wish I had done it myself. Not that it wasn’t good, by I’m so used to the way I do it that I felt strange… The plan was to do a simple hairdo but I didn’t have time for that, haha. Classic Fay².

Photography by Ori Carmona

I took the cab three times that day! I never do that because public transit is always much cheaper and better for the environment, but if there was a day it was okay to splurge it was my fucking wedding day!! So there I was in the City Hall with my soon to be husband and my photographer friend (Ori Carmona, who’s AMAZING). The City Hall is gorgeous, so there were lots of people taking pictures there!

Photography by Ori Carmona

My friends arrived and we went in to sign the papers before the ceremony. My dear friend N was kind enough to FaceTime my mom so she could watch the ceremony! It was so sweet ❤️

Photography by Ori Carmona

The ceremony felt waaaay more official than we expected. Of course Sage and I forgot our vows at home LOL so we had to make it up on the spot and I feel like mine was stupid, but his was perfect. I love that man so much!

Photography by Ori Carmona

We then went to a vegan place that was gorgeous! Rosalinda‘s staff was fantastic and we had a wonderful time at the restaurant! They served us family style and we got to try pretty much the entire menu!! If you’re ever in Toronto go there!! Everything was amazing and all the non-vegans were impressed. 😉

I didn’t take pictures of the food because I was too busy being happy and having a good time, sorry. 💖

Photography by Ori Carmona

Anyways, I’m a married woman now!! It still feels weird, hahaha. Sage and I always giggle when we refer to each other as “husband/wife”. It feels so official! We’re so happy!!

Sorry about the watermarks on the pictures! I wanted to make sure they wouldn’t get stolen so I made them obnoxious and I didn’t want to pay to remove the message generated by the app, so it’s extra obnoxious, hahaha. You can see more on my Instagram too! *hint hint wink wink*

I loved the pictures so much! We’ll be getting a few of them printed and framed for sure!

This post has so many exclamation marks!!! It’s about the most exciting day, so I can’t help it, hahaha.

I hope you enjoyed the pictures! I promise I’ll be posting more often now ❤️

Xoxo